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The Navy Lark - The Loch Ness Monster


'What keeps us going all year round is the thought of the paid holiday to come, the other thing that keeps us going is trying to choose where to go. You can have an expensive weekend in the South of France for a mere two hundred and twenty five quid, but the wife insists on coming with you so that's a waste of money! Or there's the thirty quid coach tour of Europe, where you're trapped on a coach for a fortnight with forty other peple you loathe ten minutes after you leeave the coach station. Corse in the services you don't have holidays, you have leave - and Cheif Petty Officer Pertwee and Sub-Lieutenant Phillips are just finishing theirs in Scotland....'


Pertwee and Phillips are enjoying a tipple (or ten) in a pub on Loch Ness. Come closing time they are forceably ejected by the landlord, and while stumbling back to their rooms at Mrs McKensie's Boarding House they are stopped by a man with a grudge against the landlord who convinces them to roll all his barrels of ale into the loch,

''Ere, jusch, jusch a minute. How can we, how can we do that then? All 'is booze is locked up in the back yard'

'Nay problem, if you kick the door at the bottom, the buglar proof lock breaks open - its English you see!

With the door opened, they proceed to navigate the 5 barrels into the water.

The next morning at Povey's Office Vice Admiral Burwasher arrives to discuss the recent Lochness Monster sighting. He finally, after much discussion amongst himself, tells Povey to get to a Board Meeting at the Sea Lord's office.

At the Board Meeting, the Sea Lord is concerned about the recent monster sightings and wants to send a ship to investigate. Unfortunatley the only ship available is HMS Trotubridge - much to the concern of the Director of Naval Expenditure,

''Ere hang on, hang on. We all know what'l 'appen if we send Troutbridge, don't we? It'l cost my department a bomb, wont it? We can't afford it, can we? It makes a right muck-up 'o my books, dunnit? An I gotta answer for it, ain'I?'

But in spite of his protests the board decides to send Troutbridge to Lochness. Povey arrives and is told to inform Troutbridge that they are going to Lochness, and then to get to the pub and buy them all a drink.

Pertwee, Murray and Phillips are in a rowing boat on Lochness looking, rather timedly, for the monster. No.1 tries to sing a song to keep their spirits up, but can't find a suitable one, Pertwee however chimes in with,

'There was a young sailor named Kelly, who when not reading poems by Shelly, used to slide on the grass on the seat of his...'


'..shouting look whats tattooed on my belly!'

Startled by Mr Phillips' scream from sitting on a splinter - Pertwee drops one of the oars, leaving them in the middle of the loch going round and round in circles seeing monsters everywhere. The boat bangs against something, which after an initial fright they discover was an empty beer barrel. With it they find four more barrels and realise the monster was the barrels they rolled into the loch. Knowing that theres no monster, and that they'll be in big trouble as the cause of the hoax, they head back to shore to the pub for a drink

After afew drinks, Pertwee and Phillips find themselves once more on the pavement outside the pub. They once again start rolling his barrels down to the loch, and into the mouth of the real monster who likes ale as much as they do - and drinks the barrels dry!

Taking part were:

WRN Chasen - Heather Chasen

Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot

Commander Murray - Stephen Murray

CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee

SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips

The Admiral - Tenniel Evans

Landlord - Tenniel Evans

Mr Gillis - Stephen Murray

VA Burwasher - Jon Pertwee

Miss Simpkins - Heather Chasen

The Sea Lord - Tenniel Evans

VA Ironbridge - Michael Bates

Ellis - Director of Naval Expenditure - Leslie Phillips

Commander Whetherby - Jon Pertwee

Captain Atcherson - Michael Bates

Written By: Laurie Wyman and George Evans

Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson